I haven’t written in a while. It’s not that I ran out of things to say, but I was not sure if writing would make things any different. That is how I am nowadays. When I feel like writing about feelings, thoughts, and what not – I ask myself : perlu ke? I freaking filter myself and I admit it – it’s quite lame.
Being human makes us feel, think, and judge among other things. I feel a wide range of emotions, sure. but sometimes I ask myself patut kah rasa macam ni? Shouldn’t I feel differently about stuff and people if I really am a good person and all. I freaking question my own feelings now. But that’s where I am, forever asking myself if what I feel is right or wrong. In the end, I would tell myself hey you are human, you feel what you feel. but you decide if you want it to be constructive or otherwise. For instance, something happened early this year that really upset me emotionally and financially. I was (or am) angry at someone who disappeared with my money (hence is now at the top of my shit list) and some people who indirectly led to the situation. Although they are in a position to help, they didn’t make genuine effort to reach out and help in any way. OK, so maybe they did offer some lip service and tokens of sympathy. I am not the type who cries and begs for help. You can cry til the cows come home but when you are a single mother like me, you learn to put on your game face and go through another day. I think maybe that’s the problem.
This is an example where I am angry at myself for feeling what I feel. I am not happy at myself for feeling like this – feeling let down. I have this notion in my head that I should not expect anything from people regardless of anything. It is so easy to tell someone – “expect nothing so you don’t get disappointed”. But to really live life that way is really challenging. It is almost above-human.
I am a mess, I know. On one hand I am trying to accept things as they come and remember that there is always a silver lining behind every cloud. On the other hand, I am this person that walks around with a chip on her shoulder. So I guess that pretty much sums up the reason why I don’t trust myself to pen down my thoughts here. It’s not because I fear what you think of me; It’s more about me not wanting to give a voice to the bad version of myself.