How ironic. I have plenty of things to say to him but I can’t. I can’t because I think it will hurt me more. You know when you have words incessantly running through your head until you actually spill them out. Words that make you regret the moment you say them out loudly? Those words.
A close friend of mine suggested that I write my thoughts down. In a book. I tried that last night and ended up ripping 2 pages of thoughts that made me feel even more miserable than before. Why? I started off thinking that I will be more convinced that I will be better off without him, but instead those writings only reminded me of the pain and hurt. Did I write the ‘wrong’ things?
This road of ‘self-repair’ is very challenging. It is daunting and it has cost me at least one close friend. I think although she means well in dispensing her advices and thoughts, it finally dawned on me that she had NO CLUE what I am feeling. So I became a case study – she collected the details, gave commentaries and judged my actions. I think when hearts are broken, there are many ways to mend them. what worked for you might not work for me. you have no idea what I have done and what I haven’t done to get through this other than what I’ve chosen to tell you. So for you, the untested one, to sit across from me and tell me that I haven’t enough to save my marriage is downright cruel.
When a jerk breaks your heart, you don’t need a friend to tell you “i told you he’s a jerk or why didn’t you do this or do that’. you need a friend who will give you endless supply of tissues, hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be fine…without saying a single word.